The Ultimate Calorie Counter

Everybody knows that sex provides very good exercise, but up until recently nobody had done any scientific research on just how many calories we burn under those circumstances. Now we have the results of the thorough research and they are as follows:

Taking off her clothes:
With her consent: 12 calories
Without her consent: 187 calories

Unhooking her bra:
With both hands: 8 calories
With one hand: 12 calories
With your teeth: 85 calories

Putting on a condom:
On an erect penis: 6 calories
On a non-erect penis: 315 calories

Foreplay:
Trying to locate the clitoris: 8 calories
Trying to locate the G-spot: 92 calories

Positions:
Missionary: 12 calories
69 lying down: 78 calories
69 standing: 112 calories
"The wheelbarrow": 216 calories
"Doggy style": 326 calories
Hanging from an Italian chandelier 912 calories

Orgasm:
Real: 112 calories
Fake: 315 calories

Post-orgasm:
Lying in bed hugging: 18 calories
Getting right back up: 36 calories
Explaining why you got right back up: 816 calories

Getting another erection shortly after sex:
20-29 years old: 36 calories
30-39 years old: 80 calories
40-49 years old: 124 calories
50-59 years old: 972 calories
60-69 years old: 2716 calories
70+ years old: No results available

Getting dressed after sex:
Slowly: 32 calories
Fast: 98 calories
With her father banging down the door: 1218 calories
With your wife banging down the door: 9659 calories